Cormac McLaggen Takes on the World (Of Girls - and Maybe Some Guys)
by MelodyPond77
Summary: On Cormac's fifteenth birthday, he receives an ancient family secret that will help him choose a worthy bride of the McLaggen clan. Armed with this newfound knowledge, he sets out to find a suitable mate among the ranks of Hogwarts finest. Semi-connected one-shots, all for the Harry Potter Pick Up Lines challenge, and it's total crackfic. Pairing suggestions are accepted.
1. The Timid One

**Competition:** Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

 **Pairing:** Cormac McLaggen/Susan Bones

 **Rating:** T for suggestive themes

 **Prompts:** "You know, we may not be in Professor Flitwick's class, but you're still charming" and "How about you and me go look for the Room of Requirement?"

* * *

 _Prologue_

On Cormac's fifteenth birthday, his father sent him a family secret. It was a very ancient secret, and his father said it had been used to extend the family line for ages. He said it worked on Cormac's mum, as well as Cormac's step-mum, and it was an ancient tradition of the McLaggen clan to use the secret to help them in their endeavors to find the perfect bride.

So when Cormac saw the owl tapping away at his window early on the morning of his fifteenth birthday, he jumped out of bed with excitement. Finally, the day had come! He opened the window and hastily, but carefully, pulled the envelope from the owl's grasp. He opened it, his excited gaze turning to one of confusion when he saw that it was just paper inside. He'd always assumed it was some sort of object or love potion or...

 _What are these?_ he thought to himself, unfolding the paper. His eyes started to scan the words written carefully across the top of the page.

"Wizard pick-up lines? Really, Dad?" he muttered, but then he grinned as he started to read them. "Dad, you nasty little bugger. It's a wonder Mum didn't slap your face of the first time she met you," he chuckled to himself.

He was going to have a wonderful time.

* * *

 _One Week Later_

"We will be having a Yule Ball in three weeks time, to support the interrelations between the schools competing in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. It's a chance to let down our hair and endorse in some frivolous activity!" McGonagall said regally, but McLaggen didn't hear anything after that.

It was a chance to unleash the family secret upon the next generation of potential brides. Perhaps even get some action thrown in on the side - no harm in testing out the product before buying, was there?

He immediately began to look around for a target. Perhaps a nice Hufflepuff would do to begin with; those girls would be the least likely ones to hit him on sight.

His eyes landed on Susan Bones. She was a year younger than he, a shy little fourth-year who couldn't say no to anything. She'd do nicely.

He ambled up to her, scrolling through his index of memorized pick up lines.

"Hey, Susan," he called out.

She squeaked in reply as he got closer, stopping only when he had her backed up against a wall. "You know, we may not be in Professor Flitwick's class, but you're still charming," he started, placing his hands on either side of her head and leaning closer to whisper in her ear.

"Come to the ball with me?" he asked, and she squeaked again. "What was that? I couldn't quite hear you... How about you and me go look for the Room of Requirement? Maybe find a little privacy?"

"I-I- uh, I-I- Ihaveclass!" she finally squeaked out in a rush, and then she wriggled from beneath his arms and ran off, face a sheer, pale white.

"So was that a yes or a no?" he called after her, but she was gone.


	2. The Willing One

**Competition:** Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

 **Pairing:** Cormac McLaggen/Pansy Parkinson

 **Rating:** T for suggestive themes

 **Prompts:** "You know, Hagrid's not the only giant on campus." ***** and "I want to get my basilisk into your Chamber of Secrets." *****

* * *

 _One Week before the Yule Ball_

Cormac McLaggen still didn't have a date for the ball. He hadn't tried his father's pick-up lines again, for the first attempt had seemed disastrous, but perhaps it was time to whip them out again.

But who would be desperate enough to say yes? It would make the job easier. But it had to be someone hot enough to shag afterwards, for there wasn't a point in attending one of these parties if he couldn't get some action afterwards.

His eyes fell on that pug, Pansy Parkinson, who was snorting with laughter over at the Slytherin table. She wasn't ugly, put she wasn't stereotypically beautiful, either, and she was known for putting out. Even if she was barely fifteen, if the rumors were true, she had enough experience to not cry by the time Cormac was through with her.

He caught her as she was on the way out the Great Hall, followed by her little minions, Tracey Davis and Daphne Greengrass. "Pansy!" he called, and she turned, a shrewd eye glancing him up and down.

"And what does Gryffindor's biggest man-whore want with me?" she said scathingly, but she stopped to talk anyways.

"Where are you off to?" he asked casually, and she sniffed with disgust.

"We're off to that oaf's class, Care of Magical Creatures. Like it's actually any importance." She rolled her eyes and began to turn away, but Cormac grabbed her wrist.

"You know, Hagrid's not the only giant on campus," he whispered, and he grinned as Pansy's breath hitched in spite of herself.

"What do you want, Cormac?" she asked under her breath, motioning for her sidekicks to go on to class without her.

"Well, I need a date to the Yule Ball. One who will preferably shag me after. And I want to get my basilisk into your Chamber of Secrets, Ice Queen," he whispered seductively.

She swallowed. "Well, I can't go to the Ball with you, because I'm already going with Draco. But, you're lucky. You've managed to catch me at a... particularly agreeable moment, and I'd be happy to oblige you of your second request. Meet me in the broom cupboard on the fourth floor, near the statue of Millicent the Magnificent, in an hour and a half. Agreed?"

Cormac shrugged. He wasn't getting a date, but he'd get a nice shag to tide him over. "I guess I can fit that in," he said.

"And don't tell anyone!" she hissed, digging her nails into the wrist of the hand that still clutched her. He gasped in slight pain and let go.

"I'll see you later, Pansy Parkinson," he whispered under his breath, and turned to go to his own class.

This family secret was turning into one of the most brilliant things his father had ever passed on to him.


	3. The Vengeful One

**Competition:** Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

 **Pairing:** Cormac McLaggen/Lavender Brown

 **Rating:** M for smutty content. And language. Honestly, this is more graphic than I usually get, so fair warning. But it's Cormac. And he just begs to get laid.

 **Prompts:** "I must have had some Felix Felicis because I think I'm about to get lucky." "Want to go to the Hog's Head, if you know what I mean?"

* * *

 _Night of the Yule Ball_

He'd decided to go stag. In the end, it was a lot easier; instead of being tied down to one date, he could dance with all the girls he could get his hands on. He'd managed to spin Angelina Johnson out of the arms of Fred Weasley for a few seconds - that had been scary, as the Weasley twin had given him such a murderous look, Cormac had spun the girl right back to him - and he'd danced with Parvati Patil for a little bit. He'd grown bored of her, though, for she was much too distraught over the fact that Dean Thomas had walked in with Katie Bell to even respond to his flirtations. He'd finally dragged her right up to the Thomas boy, explained gruffly that Thomas was simply a decoy so the Weasley's could surprise Bell with an Oliver Wood at the Ball, and left her blushing and smiling at her friend.

His mind may be driven by his dick, but he wasn't heartless.

He roamed the edges of the ballroom, with a drink in his hand, looking for a girl willing to play his little games. There were a few Beauxbatons girls he wouldn't mind catching, but unfortunately, most of them seemed taken. The few who weren't were actively making out with each other, and Cormac decided he wasn't quite ready for that. They were so _French._

"Go away, Seamus," a girl said sharply behind him, and he turned around, looking to see what trouble was going on.

"Lav, I said I was sorry!"

"Seamus, you just told me you thought Hermione Granger was prettier than I was. Granger! Prettier than _me!"_

It was Lavender Brown, Gryffindor's local hottie and vain princess. While Hermione Granger was, admittedly, an easy sight on the eyes tonight, Lavender was still beautiful.

And she seemed hell bent on revenge, he thought, as she stomped straight out of Seamus' arms.

"Cormac!" she said brightly, catching him watching her. She took his drink, sipped whatever was inside it (it was Firewhiskey. He'd snuck it in), and then set it on a nearby table. "Let's dance!"

And suddenly he was on the dance floor, Lavender Brown pressing against him and rubbing against his lower half. "It's nice of you to save me, Cormac," she whispered in his ear.

"You're only doing this to get back at Finnigan, aren't you?" he asked, clenching his teeth as she rubbed against him, harder. He was beginning to be a bit affected. Maybe it was the drink. Or the pretty girl. But he wasn't going to be able to hide the tent in his pants much longer.

"Yea, but do you really care?" she said slyly, grinning at him as one hand crept lower.

"No, not really. Want to go to the Hog's Head, if you know what I mean?" he gasped out, and she nodded. He grabbed her hand and pulled her from the room, not stopping to let her get one last good look at Seamus Finnigan's jealous rage.

They found an empty classroom down a side corridor, and Cormac barely got it locked before Lavender was all over him.

"It's going to _kill him_ to know that I slept with you," she moaned, pressing her lips against his and tugging at his dress robes. "Get this fucking thing off!"

He shrugged the outer robe off and started unbuttoning his dress shirt. "Do you want to unlock the door in the hopes that he'll walk in?"

She narrowed her eyes. "And have Professor McGonagall walk in instead? Not a chance," she said, then pushed his shoulders. He sat abruptly on a desk he didn't realize had been behind him.

"My oh my, I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky," he gasped as she yanked down his dress pants and knelt in front of him.

"Shut up," she muttered, working at his boxers. "I hate your stupid pick up lines."

"But you're still going to suck me off, aren't you?" he said with a roguish wink, then gasped as she did exactly that.

It felt heavenly, and before he knew it he was struggling to keep his mind as she worked him to the brink. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, and he pulled her onto her feet, spinning her and lifting her onto the desk. Muttering a quick birth control charm, he pushed up her skirts and grinned. She'd gone commando.

"Were you expecting something tonight?" he murmured, bending down and kissing the inside of her thighs.

"Well it was supposed to be Seamus, but you're doing just fine," she breathed, leaning back on the desk. "Just fuck me, McLaggen," she growled, grabbing the lapels of his open shirt and pulling him over her.

"You may hate them, but those pick up lines really work!"

He wasn't sure if her next groan was from exasperation or from adjusting to his size. "Just because I'm fucking you does _not_ mean that's going to work every time," she panted. "I still hate your pick up lines. You just happen- to be- really _good_ at this," she sighed. "Now stop talking and just _fuck me!"_

McLaggen grinned as he pressed harder. He bent down lower and captured her lips with his own. Since he couldn't talk... might as well make use of them.


	4. The Rejective One

**Competition:** Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

 **Pairing:** Cormac McLaggen/Luna Lovegood

 **Rating:** T for suggestive comments.

 **Prompts:** "Girls call me 'Aguamenti', because everytime they hear my name, they get wet."

* * *

 _Day of the Second Task_

 _This is shaping up to be quite boring,_ Cormac thought as he sat down on the edge of the docks, watching the clock tick. The champions had only been down there for ten minutes, and while it was probably very exciting for them, the fifth-year was bored out of his mind.

He looked around for something - or someone - to do. Most everyone was chatting in groups of four to five, but there was one girl who was smiling softly to herself and making smoke rings blow from the tip of her wand.

She was pretty, perhaps a little young, but she had beautiful blonde hair falling in waves down her back, and a Ravenclaw tie was cinched tight around her neck. She didn't glance up when he sat down beside her.

"You know, girls call me 'Aguamenti', because every time they hear my name, they get wet," he said seductively, leaning towards her and placing a hand behind her on the docks. She turned towards him, not even surprised at his presence nor his closeness.

"Really?" she asked, resting her wand in her lap.

"Yea, really. I can have the best of them soaking in no time."

She gazed at him with those bright eyes, then leaned closer, moving her lips to his ear.

"Aguamenti," she whispered, and he spluttered with shock as a jet of water hit him in the face. She'd moved her wand to point directly at him.

"Pity," she said drily as she leaned back. "I'm not even the tiniest bit damp. You, however, are dripping. Maybe they should call _me_ Aguamenti!" Another jet of water shot out of her wand and hit him in the chest.

And with a tiny laugh, she got up and walked to join a small redheaded Gryffindor girl.

Cormac swallowed his embarrassment and wiped the water from his face. He was determined to make another pick-up line work. _And one day_ , he thought, glaring at the blonde as she walked away, _I'm going to make her fall for one._


	5. The Surprising One

**Competition:** Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

 **Pairing:** Cormac McLaggen/Cedric Diggory

 **Rating:** M for... foreplay, I guess? I stopped it before it went anywhere.

 **Prompts:** "You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric himself, I too have an impressive sword."* and "Want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own." *****

* * *

 _Last Hogsmeade_ _trip before the Third Task_

He was walking through the streets of Hogsmeade, minding his own business, when Cedric Diggory came stomping up to him out of nowhere.

"What did you say to Cho?" he demanded, his face red and his eyes fierce. Cormac stopped in surprise.

"What do you mean?" he asked bemusedly as Cedric dragged him into a side alley and slammed him against a wall.

"I said, _what did you say to Cho?_ She came to see me the other day complaining about how I never romance her and talking about how _you_ did a better job! So, _what did you say to my girlfriend?!"_ He was barely maintaining a loud voice; any more and Cormac feared he would go deaf.

What did he say to Cho? He couldn't really remember. He knew he'd hit on her with one of his pick-up lines, but he couldn't remember which one.

He paused for a second, wracking his brain as Cedric stared him down with fury, then grinned as he remembered.

"'You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric himself, I too have an impressive sword,'" he repeated dutifully, and Cedric blanched at his response.

"E-Excuse me?" he stuttered, completely thrown. Cormac pushed against the older boy, maneuvering them into a doorway and trapping Cedric between his arms.

"You heard me. Want another one?" He leaned closer, not breaking eye contact as he pressed most of his body against Cedric's. "Want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own," he whispered, and Cedric's pupils dilated. Cormac could feel him growing stiff; surprisingly, they both were.

Suddenly, Cedric's arm shot out, gripping Cormac's wrist and spinning him around before wrapping an arm around his waist and turning on the spot. They reappeared within a dusty bedroom, it's curtains ripped and it's mattress lumpy with age.

Cormac coughed and looked around. "Where are we?"

"The Shrieking Shack, obviously," Cedric said, rolling his eyes. He stepped closer to Cormac, running his hands down the Gryffindor's chest and slipping one hand into his pants. "Weren't you mentioning something about contributing to the shrieking?"

"Oh," he gasped, "Yea, I was."

Cedric pushed him back onto the bed. "Then take off your pants, and let's get started."


	6. The Grieving One

**Competition:** Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

 **Pairing:** Cormac McLaggen/Pomona Sprout

 **Rating:** M. Forgive me for this one.

 **Prompts:** "My love for you burns like a dying phoenix." "You don't have to say Luminos Maxima to turn me on."

* * *

 _Day of the Funeral_

Cormac McLaggen wandered through the grounds of Hogwarts, trying to figure out what to do with himself. While he hadn't known Cedric that well, he _had_ slept with the guy. Cormac had enjoyed the experience much more than he'd thought he would; Cedric had been a very pleasing partner. If Cormac was honest with himself, he'd definitely been hoping for a repeat of that afternoon. Now, however... well, he'd never get to experience Cedric like that again.

He strolled towards the Herbology greenhouses. If only he could find someone to shag! That would get him out of this depression. Just the feeling of lips on his, fingers tangled in his hair, skin on skin... Anyone would do, at this point.

"Oh, Merlin!" he heard from nearby, and Cormac paused, looking around. The door to Greenhouse III was slightly ajar, and he peeked inside.

Professor Sprout sat before the long table, her hat askew and her silver curls mussed. Tears streaked down her face as she sobbed openly.

 _Perfect,_ he thought. _Someone just as alone as I feel. One of my pick-up lines_ must _work on her!_

He stepped inside, pausing when she didn't notice him. The key now was to act sincere—Professor Sprout wouldn't fall for some sexy pick-up line like so many of his peers. She was too classy for that.

"Professor?" he said, keeping his voice as gentle as possible.

Professor Sprout jumped, staring up at him in surprise. "Oh! McLaggen, I didn't see you there! I-Please, pay me no mind, I was just reacting violently to, to..." she glanced around at the plants. "I was reacting to the Mandrakes! Allergies, you know!" Her voice was falsely cheery as she wiped her eyes quickly.

"Professor, it's okay to miss Cedric. I do, and I didn't know him that well. We'd had a few great conversations about Quidditch and...well, we liked to experiment... _moves_ out on each other. For Quidditch, of course," he added, a beat too late to be entirely convincing.

Professor Sprout raised an eyebrow. _Yes, she's intrigued,_ Cormac thought, smiling on the inside. Outside, he maintained his gloomy face, sitting down in the chair next to her.

"If you need to talk, Professor, I'd like you to know I'm here," he said, taking her hand. "I've always admired you. Perhaps a bit more than I should..." he said. He trailed off, biting his lip and glancing down as if he'd said too much.

Sprout's breath hitched, and Cormac glanced back up at her, trying to appear as if he was shy. Inside, however, he was smug as a king—she was falling for it.

"Professor," he whispered, leaning closer. "My love for you burns like a dying phoenix."

"Oh!" she cried, but she didn't lean away. He smoothed a hand up her leg, slowly slipping it under her black skirt. "Oh!" she said again, only this time it was softer, breathier, and much shakier.

He brushed his lips against hers, light as a feather, and she instictively leaned forward. Now, she was entirely captivated.

Cormac smiled. It was time to pull out the big guns.

He leaned in, placing his lips against her ear as his hand moved all the way up her skirt, stopping just shy of her panties. "You don't have to say Luminos Maxima to turn me on."

Her eyes met his, both pairs of pupils dilated. Then, quicker than a snake, she'd pushed him back into his chair, pressing her lips to his as she straddled him.

"Are you as good in bed as you are in Herbology?" she asked, leaning back to slip off her robes. She unbuttoned her dress shirt partially, enough so that it showed her huge bosom and the edges of her lacy bra.

Cormac grinned. "Better," he said, lifting her onto the table. "Would you like to find out?"

"Oh, yes," she said, gasping as he nipped at her neck.

"Good. Because I would _love_ to show you."


End file.
